Friday, 2 September 2011
People know me for being busy, it's like a trait of mine that everyone knows, Cheryl has to be busy for her to be Cheryl. And people always ask me why I'm busy all the time and my response to them always is that we only live once and this life is short, so we might as well make full use of it while we can, "CARPE DIEM". Yes, that's what I say all the time, and that's what I used to live by but I guess it's turned into a form of escapism for me, it's my excuse for not wanting to think about things. I don't want to be not busy because then I'll have the time to think about all the issues that I've been dreading to think about. Being busy gives me that leverage that I want when it comes to making decisions, it's the only form of control I have anymore. It's like when I'm not busy, I lose because people can get me to do whatever they want me to because I have the time and I'm free but when I'm busy, I "win" because I'm in control of what I want to do and when I want to do it. I know, my mindset's kinda screwed up.
That's something that lamjiale said to me when we were chatting online last night, and it was something that made me start thinking. It's true how my thoughts are free to wonder during my holidays especially when my "busy periods" are over, yes I do have my commitments and I'm still busy and all but my thoughts are allowed to take over a small portion of my mind. During my busy periods, I keep brainwashing myself that I don't have time for all these thoughts and I have a logical reason to get these thoughts out of my mind, but during my holidays, these thoughts are free to wonder and I have no reason to push them away.
Feeling so lousy right now cause ever since my holidays have started, I've been filling myself with shallow thoughts so that I've to think of them instead of the deeper issues at hand. I know that it's not right, but I don't want to think about them, I really don't. The second half of last year spent on making church decisions was one of the most painful moments of my life, and I never ever want to go through that again, at least not so soon. I don't want to think about relationships, I don't want to think about him, I don't want to think about how to let guys down easily, I don't want to think about moving on, I don't want to think about how to stop sending guys the wrong message, I don't want to think about my future with anyone. I don't want to think about ministry, to stay in children ministry or to move to youth ministry, to leave rangers or to stay in rangers. I don't want to think about my duties, to be a good student and maintain my scholarship, to be an active cell intern and help bring the cell the a higher level and maybe even help build clarissa's cell, to be a good daughter and help to do housework and work for my parents to help build up the business, to be a good ranger and get my GMA, get FCF, duplicate myself and mentor the younger girls, to be a good gkids leader and to teach my kids right. I don't want to think about all of that.
♥ cheryllimsuwen, 29/11.
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