Head vs. Heart

all yours

Monday, 26 December 2011

Been doing a lot of thinking recently, been thinking about things past, present and future. Been thinking about my church decision, my church ministries and what God wants for me. Next year is going to be a tough one and the following year will be even tougher, I can feel it in my blood, in my spirit, it's letting me know that life is not going to get easier from here, it's only going to get a lot tougher. Ignorance is truly bliss. I remember struggling with God for 5 over hours during Hanturama'10, begging Him to not have me make a decision, begging Him for more time before things change. And now that I've reached a rough decision, it hurts so bad every time I think about it.

Jerald asked me that day why I didn't tell him that I was staying in FCBC and I told him that it was because I couldn't announce it out loud yet, somehow I can't find the strength to say it out loud and I'm simply not prepared for what's to come. Every night I whisper a silent prayer to God that things wouldn't have to change, that if He loves me He wouldn't make me go through this, but every night I get the same answer that He has greater plans for me and He loves me that's why I'm going through all this, His heart breaks to see me hurt, but it's all necessary. All I can do is trust in Him that He has the best plans for my life, plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

Chatting with Ally that night at Round Up, we talked about all we've been put through in RR. From being told that we weren't good enough, to our commanders letting us down time and time again, to being left to fend for ourselves, to the unfair treatment we got. We looked back at all these bad memories in RR only to find ourselves even more inspired and motivated to make a difference in the next generation, to make sure that the same mistakes wouldn't repeat themselves again. And I'm glad for Ally, that she's becoming a commander, that she has this passion for the younger ones, a passion to see them grow up in a 'safe' RR environment, this determination to protect the kids so that they'll never have to go through the nightmare that we went through. I'm proud of her and I'm glad that she will be able to use the lessons that God has thought her to impact the generations to come. And then I think about myself, I'm not going to be around in RR anymore, so what was all of that for? I used to believe that God had a greater purpose for me in RR and that I wouldn't have been put through so much if He didn't have a purpose for me, that one day it'll all be worth it, one day it'll all pay off. But now standing at this point in my life, I cannot help but find myself questioning God about why He put me through everything. Why He put me through such misery, such terrifying moments that till these days I still get nightmares from. Why God, why?

Stepping into greater roles in FCBC next year, leading a Barnabus group with Esther and taking on more roles in the youth ministry and as a cell intern brings about much excitement and uncertainty. And I kinda made a promise to myself that in 2012, I want to be as involved in RR as possible, I want to make this my best year in RR and I want to inspire as many lives in RR before I leave. Honestly, I think I'll find myself so drained next year, I'll be finding myself on my knees crying out to God, asking Him to give me strength to make it through.

"I will serve the Lord all my days even if it consumes all of me" - that was a promise I made to God a few years back. And even though life is about to get a whole lot tougher and I'm scarred from all that I've been through, I know that God is watching over me, smiling over me. Honestly am looking forward to the day that I run back into His arms, His embrace and He just smiles over me, letting me know that He's proud of me and that I've been His good and faithful servant.

Cheryl. Existing for God's Glory.

Lots of ♥, Cheryl

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